“ Mrs. Harris, we need you to come back to Dallas immediately—and be prepared to stay, if necessary.”
It was Thursday morning, and we had just returned home from Dallas less than 12 hours earlier. In addition to Sammy’s regular appointment the day before, I had undergone some testing due to breathing difficulties I had been experiencing. Now, the results were back. The nurse didn’t share much information with me, just that the echo on my heart was abnormal, they were concerned, and I had an appointment with the cardiologist first thing Friday morning. So, we packed up and headed back to Dallas that night.
The phone call made for a restless night, but not as much as the news we had received the day before—Samuel’s cardiothoracic surgeon at Children’s Medical Center was leaving October 1st for a new job in Chicago, and Sammy’s delivery date was scheduled for October 3rd. Our sonogram also revealed a smaller baby then the doctors wanted to see at this point—although he feels pretty big to me!
I was thankful as the sunrise began to peek through the heavy hotel curtains in Dallas that morning. After a thorough exam, the cardiologist was able to rule out immediate threats…namely a pulmonary embolism. What a relief! She consulted with us about our options moving forward and together we decided we would manage symptoms and wait to fix my Atrial Septal Defect after Samuel was born.
The car ride home was quiet. I was so happy to be going home, but the events of the past two days began to smother me with another feeling…of being less than. That feeling only grew over the weekend, and I questioned every decision Mike and I had made up to that point. After weeks of struggling for my breath, I was growing tired and my body wanted to give up. If I didn’t have what it takes to be Samuel’s mom now, I wondered how I could possibly have it later—whatever “it” was.
Sunday morning came and I entertained the idea of staying home from church. I felt vulnerable, and I didn’t want people to see me. Thankfully, I realized where that inclination to isolate was coming from…all weekend I dwelled on lies from the enemy about who I was NOT. So you better believe I got myself to church! I went down to the altar to pray on my knees and it left me overcome by emotion. In one of the most humble moments of my life, I felt the warm embrace of my heavenly Father lift me up in perfect love and remind me exactly whose I AM.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Honestly, it’s a day I will never forget, and I pray it’s a love each of you knows. I may find it easy to disqualify myself, but God qualifies me with His Truth. I am courageous and I am strong in Him. Because God called us to it, He promises to fill the gaps, and I can rest knowing I am exactly who I need to be today. His power and provision are abundantly more than Sammy’s needs or our own. So as we start our last week in Oklahoma, we are in a delightful hypernesting mode–as Mike calls it–preparing to welcome Samuel Shepherd Harris on October 3rd!