You can’t break me. That’s what I kept thinking as I sat with my clenched jaw and tightly grasped hands. It was another appointment that seemed destined to strip me bare like a wire cruelly exposed to the elements, but this time was different. I was alone. Mike had not come to this appointment because it was supposed to be—finally—just an ordinary appointment with my new high-risk obstetrician, but then it wasn’t.
“Let’s talk about additional genetic testing.”
I blinked back hot tears and squeezed my hands tighter.
“It will help you decide if you want to go full court press medically or just keep him comfortable and enjoy the time you have together.”
Was I breathing? I’m not sure. Maybe I only inhaled. I most certainly know I didn’t exhale.
Holding in was rapidly giving way to just holding up…making it to the door, then to the car, then home to my bed. I would be safe there. We would be safe there.
“The spleen should be visible by now, but there’s no evidence of it. For adults, this would be no problem, but for infants to 5-year olds, it’s their primary source of immunity.”
It was him again. The man who would likely one day deliver our precious Samuel and whisk him away as he took his first labored breaths of newborn life. I began to calculate how far it was to the door, then to the car, then home to my bed–where we would be safe.
A new and more devastating diagnosis soon followed. Heterotaxy. It meant that additional internal organs were involved with Sammy’s complex heart issues. Alone, any one of the issues would be challenging, but to have multiple organs involved—heart, stomach, spleen, liver, and intestines—created exponential health issues, according to the doctor. Now, it seemed, I was being asked to make a decision about the worth and quality of my son’s life. Holding up was no longer an option. Holding on was all I had, but the One I could hold on to was bigger, stronger, and sovereign. We were already safe.
I left that appointment just as Mike and I had the first time Samuel was diagnosed, asking, “what just happened?” But here’s the thing…a friend reminded me that God already knew about Samuel’s full diagnosis prior to any appointment. What comfort!
I’m in a Bible study by Tony Evans praying through the names of God. Tony talks about how we have to fight our battles FROM victory, not for victory. How do you do that? Well, it’s by truly knowing the characteristics of God. If you’re fighting a battle, I encourage you to read about Jehovah Nissi in Exodus 17 and Jehovah Tsaba in 1 Samuel 17. Moses and David didn’t fight their battles in the valley, they appealed to what they knew about their God and He intervened. To unleash the power of God in our lives, we must do the same because these battles are won in heavenly places.
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
This latest diagnosis is our goliath…Samuel’s goliath. It might be big, but we know our God! We are safe under the banner of His divine protection, and the Lord of Hosts has His own army that can overcome any diagnosis we face. In answer to the doctor’s question… we choose to hold onto our Hope, to gaze upon His Truth, and to fight this battle on the ground and in the heavenly places—and we couldn’t do it without your continued support. Your prayers sustain and encourage us, and we are wholeheartedly thankful and blessed by you.